Texas – 22 August – 23 August 2014 |

Texas – where we found the steaks were high and the helium even higher, where we made Michelle a special birthday car-d, where we became temporary inductees into the Porch Sitters Union and where we panhandled our way West.

When the Spanish conquered the Caddo Indian Nation in 1716 they reportedly asked a Caddo native what the Caddo word for friend was. The Caddo man replied “tee-haas” and the Spanish missionaries gestured to the Caddo that they came to conquer their land as “tee-haas”. The Spanish even had the hide to call the place La Provincia de Tejas or The Province of Friends with “tejas” being the Spanish spelling of “tee-haas.” The modern name of “Texas” is simply the anglicized version of “tejas”.

Texas has a population bigger than Australia who occupy a state the size of Queensland. Like Queensland, Texans pride themselves in being different from the rest of the country hence their motto of The Lone Star State which also features on their state flag.

This is a sticker we picked up for free at the Amarillo Visitor’s Center and is the tag line for Texas’ great anti-litter campaign.

Our trip from Shamrock to Amarillo.

Shamrock

By the time we got to Texas, we had driven all day through Oklahoma and were very tired. So, we stopped at the first Texan town over the border which was Shamrock.

Shamrock was yet another fascinating town that you might drive through without appreciating its attractions. It turns out to be one of the inspirations for Radiator Springs from the Pixar Cars movies. The U Drop Inn is a classic Art Deco Route 66 inn and the surrounding buildings have a certain run-down charm.

We had dinner at Big Vern’s Steakhouse which was the place to be on a Saturday night. The food was steaktacular and as we walked back to our hotel, the ground was alive with grasshoppers and scuttling bugs also partying in the warm Texan evening.

The town was named by an Irishman who moved to set up a post office there. It also has a piece of the Blarney Stone from Ireland which you can kiss (much easier than doing it in Blarney). It’s other claim to fame is that it has the tallest water tower in Texas. Yee ha!

Perusing the local rag, I was quite taken with Shamrock Mayor, Buc Weatherby who has obviously kissed the Blarney Stone a few times and who dispenses with the regular “regards” or “yours sincerely” when he signs his letters and instead signs “pridefully, Buc Weatherby”.

Knocking back a beer at Big Vern’s

The U-Drop Inn at night.

The U-Drop Inn at day.

You can see the influence of the U-Drop Inn on Ramone’s Body Art shop in Cars.

We had our picture taken by the owner of the sexy red Camaro (no, it’s not Lightning McQueen from Cars) who we struck up a chat with. She grew up in Shamrock but had moved to Oklahoma but was returning home to visit her family. When she offered to take our picture, we insisted that it be in front of the new Camaro.

The U-Drop Inn even has a Mater in front of it.

Not Dick Van Dyke but the Mayor of Shamrock who signs his letters “pridefully” instead of “sincerely”. You can see it here in a letter to the local paper where he laments the fact that only 53 people from Shamrock turned up to vote on election day. Here too is a quote from another local newspaper Q&A: Q: In a typical week, how much time is required to be mayor of Shamrock? A: “My signature has to go on the checks. The employees want to get paid (laughing). If I’m needed to kiss a baby or cut a ribbon or take care of a problem, I’m available. That might be two hours a week or two days.”

Amarillo

Amarillo takes its name from the Spanish word for yellow and is affectionately known as The Yellow Rose of Texas. We pulled in to the visitors centre to check out what Amarillo had to offer. As we got out of the car, we were greeted with a large sign warning us to watch out for rattlesnakes. Harrie asked the lady in the visitors centre if they get lots of rattlesnakes and she cheerfully said “we sure do, honey” which wasn’t reassuring.

Amarillo also has the distinction of being the helium capital of the world thanks to the rarity of the gas. From 1929 to 1943, Amarillo provided nearly all the world’s supply of helium. Even today, Amarillo holds 70% of the world’s helium deposits. Of all the times I went to kid’s birthday parties with helium balloons, I’m not sure I ever stopped to consider where helium came from.

We gave them distance and respect.

This is taken from the Internet as we didn’t get to visit the Amarillo Helium plant. Up until 2010, Australia got most of its helium from the US. Then in 2010, Mining company BOC found helium deposits in Darwin and set up a helium plant which now supplies most of Australia’s helium needs. Also, the statement of Amarillo having 95% of the world’s known helium supplies was accurate in 1965 when the sign was made. Today’s revised estimate is that Amarillo holds a, still respectable, 70% of world supplies.

The Big Texan Steak Ranch, Amarillo

Everyone doing Route 66 stops here to try, or witness others try, to stuff their faces with a 72oz (2.04kg) steak. The monster steak is offered free to anyone who can eat it in under an hour. We witnessed three big guys give it a try but although they tackled it with some gusto, they couldn’t polish it off and had to pay for their meals. Despite being God-fearing people, gluttony is yet to be considered a deadly sin here.

Looking at the record books, I was surprised to find an 11 year old boy had done it (parents of the year, right there) and that the reigning champ actually consumed two in the time limit. The reigning champ is Molly Schuyler who bills herself as a “competitive eater” and you really need to see her Wikipedia listing to appreciate her eating achievements.

Mind you, a Bengal tiger once ate the steak in 90 seconds, so Molly has some ways to go. The place has lots of atmosphere and a great range of experimental craft beers. I tried a pecan beer which was quite good and sufficient encouragement for more. I could have happily sat at the bar and worked my way through all of the craft brews on the menu. Although, when I said this to Michelle, she didn’t think that this was a good use of my time.

Dining at The Big Texan also exposed us to that most impenetrable thing to American ears – the Australian accent. When we were not slowly enunciating to make ourselves understood, we found many Americans to be quite taken with our accents. They really wanted to know more about England. Of course, we would tell them what we knew and then politely explain that we were actually from Australia. Of course, then they wanted to know all about Australia. This usually resulted in some great conversations. However, I don’t think we were expecting the follow-up question from our waiter at the Big Texan who, after asking us where we were from, followed up with an enthusiastic “you guys have guns right?” and then went on to tell us about the many wonderful guns he owned. He made a special point of telling us about the new handgun he keeps in the glove box of his car, winking ominously “y’know – just in case.” Needless to say, this guy got a big tip.

The Big Texan Steak Ranch, Amarillo. Even the cars have steer horns.

Lots of utes, or as the Americans call them “pick-up trucks”, parked outside the Big Texan. This is a pickup-truck kinda joint.

Inside the Big Texan. I’m not sure how many deer were bagged by our waiter.

This is the table where the 72oz Steak contest takes place. These guys look like big eaters but even they couldn’t tackle El Steako Monstruo.

I want to call this guy Cletis. Here he is looking at his competitor’s progress.

Here she is, World Champion Gormondizer – Mollie Schuyler. And yes, she only weighs 120 pounds (54 kilograms).

See Competitive Eater Molly Schuyler eat two 2kg steaks in under fifteen minutes.

Here we are tucking in to our comparatively modest 8 0z steak.

This is the hotel out the back of the Big Texan all done up to look like a wild west town.

The Porch Sitters Union of America

In 1999, Claude Stephens founded the Professional Porch Sitters Union (PPSU) which now numbers chapters in every state of the USA. You can read more about the workings of the union here.

PPSU founder Claude Stephens wrote a brilliant Porch Sitter manifesto in which he answers questions such as “How do I become a member?” Answer: “That one is easy. You are now a member. Satisfied?”

Suggested PPSU meeting topics include “Sure is hot”, “So what have you been up to today?” and “Do you think we’re going to get any rain?”

Driving through Texas, we saw lots of folk sitting on porches shooting the breeze with passers-by. There seemed a right neighborly vibe to many of the smaller communities and the communal allure of the porch in the hot weather.

Ma and Pa sitting on the porch swing… as you do in the South.

The brilliant Porch Sitters Union. Regrettably, I couldn’t find a chapter in Australia. Guess I’ll have to mosey outside and start one.

Boot Barn

On our way out of Amarillo we stopped in to the first of the many Boot Barns we would visit in our travels.

Boot Barn, as they say in their advertising, is America’s largest Western store. Apart from rows and rows of boots, it has cowboy hats, belt buckles, Western shirts, and all manner of cowboy gear. But Boot Barn also runs to regular camping-style clothing and outdoorsy stuff. It is sort of like RM Williams and Anaconda meet CostCo.

There was a strong manly smell of leather and animal hide as we walked in the door of the Amarillo Boot Barn. The other thing we noticed was the sales staff who all looked like seasoned cowboys and rodeo stars who have been forced to hold down day jobs in this place. But it was quite a place. The thing that brought us back to Boot Barn when we passed stores in our travels was the value and uniqueness of their wares. It was the simple pleasure of finding things very well made and very well priced.

A funny Boot Barn ad

Also loved this place in Amarillo. We didn’t go in in case Dennis was just a regular menace as well.

Walking the streets of Amarillo. Michelle found a great second-hand clothing store near here and bought some retro threads.

Driving through the Texas Panhandle

As soon as we entered Texas, we started seeing areas referred to as “Panhandle” this or “Panhandle” that. Were there lots of beggars in these parts we thought? The references to Panhandle became more prevalent as we were leaving Amarillo prompting Michelle to consult our trusty Walmart smart-ish phone for answers. We found that a Panhandle is any narrow part of the country that is surrounded by other states rather than water and is so-called because of its resemblance to a pan handle. Unfortunately due to time, our trip through Texas was confined to the Texas Panhandle.

In Australia, we are used to seeing dead kangaroos or wombats by the side of the road. In Texas we instead saw lots of dead armadillos. Knowing that they were out there, Michelle spent the rest of the trip looking for live ones but unfortunately never spotted one. According to Wikipedia, Armadillos “are common roadkill due to their habit of jumping three to four feet vertically when startled, which puts them into collision with the underside of vehicles.” Yikes. Maybe, it was best we didn’t see one on the road.

A map of Texas showing the Panhandle

Also the name of a Durango Kid movie. One of the 65 Durango Kid movies made by Columbia. Back in the 1940s, Columbia would crank out ten Durango Kid movies a year. The Durango Kid was a kerchieffed crime fighter whose secret identity was seemingly baffling to everyone (much like Clark Kent and Superman). As was quoted on a fan Web site about the film “Once again! The good guys know Steve’s the Durango Kid; the bad guys know Steve’s the Durango Kid; EVERYONE knows Steve’s the Durango Kid. And yet! He continues to dress up in the black get-up and wear the mask. And they ALL call him “Durango.” Are they humoring him? Like you would a crazy person? “

Our route through the panhandle from Amarillo.

A goods train makes its way across the Panhandle Plains.

The Leaning Tower of Texas in Groom. Was it an earthquake or a tornado that knocked it over? It’s owner Ralph Britten encouraged the theories to keep coming while people pulled over to scratch their heads and fill up with gas and food at Britten’s nearby petrol station. Britten would later confess that he built it that way as a marketing ploy. Dang.

Also at Groom, the largest free-standing cross in America. Towering nineteen storeys high, the 53 metre high cross was built by the Cross of Our Lord Jesus Christ Ministries. To get a sense of the scale, look at the semi-trailer to the left of it.

As Michelle’s 50th birthday was looming, we decided to leave our mark at Cadillac Ranch just outside of Amarillo and also at its less well-known cousin, the VW Ranch in Conway. These are both fields of upended cars that people graffiti. We is people, so we did the same; the results of which you can see below.

The derelict hotel at Conway – home to the VW Ranch.

A row of Das Kaput Auto.

An abandoned shack at Conway next to the volkswagens. Not sure if the sign is a reference to the great Kasey Musgraves song?

Das Birthday Fräulein.

The Cadillac Ranch outside of Amarillo. This picture gives you a sense of where they sit. Basically, in the middle of a field.

Cadillac Ranch is an art installation that was installed by San Francisco art pranksters Ant Farm in 1974. The project was funded by Texan millionaire Stanley Marsh 3 (he used the Arabic number “3” rather than the traditional Roman numeral “III” as he was a goddamn American not an Italian) who was also a prankster and liked what he saw in those bad ole’ boys from the West Coast. Marsh’s other great prank is the series of fake road signs he installed around Amarillo with signs like “Go West Young Man” and “This Road Does Not End”. You can see more here.

The row of wrecked caddies. You don’t need to buy aerosol paint as cans of the stuff can be found discarded in the nearby fields. Harrie and I scrounged up a red, black, white and gold can that we used to make Michelle’s birthday car-d (geddit).